And now, for a commercial break....

I'll be busy for a few days, so there probably wont be any blog posts until Sunday. I wanted to post this about it though because I've really appreciated all of the response I've received for my posts this month. I've enjoyed writing them and hearing from people via Facebook, email, and sometimes phone call lol, about it all. I'm happy to say, that I'm having a hard time sticking to my 'one positive person, one negative person' every other day balance. I've had many more positive people in my life then negative. Therefore, if I run out of negatives, you'll be getting all positive. I'm sure that no one will complain. I hope that everyone is well, and I look forward to getting back to this project shortly.

Potato Sack

I started asking for you for Christmas when I was eight years old. I couldnt believe it when you were born that next April. Just four months later. I truly believed, and somewhere in my heart, still believe, to this day, that you were born for me.

My gift.

The day you were born, I ran up and down our neighborhood and told every neighbor within two miles that you were born. Even if I didnt know them. Excited is a word that barely touches the feeling. You had the brightest blue eyes and blonde curly hair. You were my best friend before you even knew.

When you turned three, we started to play a game. Potato sack. I would come home from school and I'd say, "Hey! Where's my potato sack?!" You'd instantly fall to the floor and go completely limp. I'd go pick you up and toss you up over my shoulder. I'd walk around with you there for as long as you could keep from snickering. Once you snickered, I'd tickle you until you were tired. To this day, it's one of my favorite memories.

Sometimes family's fall apart. Unfortunately, you took the brunt of the fallout from ours doing just that. I was still young, unsure what to do, how to get you out. Selfish. Struggling myself.

Sometimes I'd have to sneak into the house to see you. It was worth it. I loved you as though you were my own child. I found out later that you didnt understand why I didnt come take you away. My heart shatters every time I remember that.

You werent treated right.

I wasnt there for you.

You deserved so much more. From everyone around you.

You pulled yourself up, and made your way.

I am blessed. Many years ago, we began rebuilding our relationship. You forgave me. I'm honored by this, because forgiveness doesnt come easy to you.

You've grown into one of the most amazing people I know. You're genius. Rational. Irrational. You're liberal, but conservative. One of the only people I know who can truly pull that off.

You're beautiful. Your heart is as big as your blue eyes. You'd never think of yourself as special, but you're more special then you'll ever know.

Your sense of humor heals my bad days. I could talk to you for hours, about nothing at all, and feel like it was the most important conversation I'd ever had.

I was given the greatest gift the day you were born. And, no matter how old you get, you'll always be my little potato sack, and I love you with all my heart.

My Worth

I've forgiven you.

But I still find it hard not to hate you.

I dont want to live my life with any hate in my heart. It's exhausting, and black.

So, I've done my best.

We grew up together. Thick as thieves, so the saying goes. Used to have fun.

Star Wars action figures on the lawn in summer. Making felt prize ribbons to give to the neighbors with the best fruit trees that year. We'd walk by and were always offered something from someone. We were 'cute'.

They always like you best.

The boy. Loved the boys. The men. You'll never be a man i my eyes.

When we went out, they'd ask you what you wanted. If I asked for something, I was told 'no', because you were getting something.

I thought we'd grow up friends, but, you were mean. Mean as hell by a certain point.

You were bigger then me. You'd sit on me because you thought it was funny. In my seventh year, I started going home with bruises on my arms because you thought 'socking' me was hilarious. It didnt feel very funny.

I hated being alone with you at night. I was a fighter. A scrappy little kid. But you were huge. Just too big.

I tried to tell someone everything that was going on when I was almost eight.

I got in trouble for tattling and received a spanking with the wooden spoon. Standard in your house.

I never said another word.

I did learn how to fight back though. The last time we saw one another, I was almost nine years old. You didnt say much. Later in the day you tried to bully me a little. Threw a board at me with a nail sticking out of it. I still have a scar on my finger where it dug into me as I put my hand up to protect my head.

At that moment, I beat you to a pulp. I picked up that stick off the ground in the backyard. Remember that?

I got into trouble. And it was totally worth it.

You're loathsome, and yet, you still put meaning into my life.

I have value. No matter what you ever did to me. I count. I stand up for myself. Because I can. And, sometimes, even as a child, no one else will.