Fuck

I thought I'd do a few posts with one word titles.

So.

This one is "Fuck".

Probably what Roccie is saying because this will be my second post in a week.

Revival of a blog?

I think not, just opportunity lol.

Here, let me share a little history on the word Fuck:
Fuck is an English word that is generally considered profane which, in its most literal meaning, refers to the act of sexual intercourse. However, by extension it may be used to negatively characterize anything that can be dismissed, disdained, defiled, or destroyed.

"Fuck" can be used as a verb, adverb, adjective, command, interjection, noun, and can logically be used as virtually any word in a sentence (e.g., "Fuck the fucking fuckers"). Moreover, it is one of the few words in the English language that can be applied as an infix (e.g., "Absofuckinglutely!"; "Bullfuckingshit!"). It has various metaphorical meanings. The verb "to be fucked" can mean "to be cheated" (e.g., "I got fucked by a scam artist"), or alternatively, to be sexually penetrated. As a noun "a fuck" or "a fucker" may describe a contemptible person.

"A fuck" may mean an act of copulation.

The word can be used as an interjection, and its participle is sometimes used as a strong emphatic. The verb to fuck may be used transitively or intransitively, and it appears in compounds, including fuck off, fuck up, fuck you, and fuck with. In less explicit usages (but still regarded as vulgar), fuck or fuck with can mean to mess around, or to deal with unfairly or harshly. In a phrase such as "don't give a fuck", the word is the equivalent of "damn", in the sense of something having little value. In "what the fuck?!", it serves merely as an intensive.

If something is very abnormal or annoying "this is fucked up!" may be said.

There is actually quite a bit of history on the word, including the first time it was used, around 1500. But that's enough. Otherwise you may be thinking "Fuck! this blog post is long".

Fuck is a great word. You can use it in good, bad, sad, happy, just about any situation.

I've been a bit of a potty mouth this week. It happens. I go through ebbs and tides. Next week I'll be back to trying to be better. This week however, Fuck has been my word of choice.

So, now you have your curse word education for the week. Enjoy the versatility that is 'Fuck'. Go forth, exclaim and profane.

Time Spent

Hi Roccie! This post is for you. Well, to satisfy you and your unquenchable thirst for reading material ;) Kidding. You'd dehydrate if you relied on my blog. Good Lord woman, go get a glass of water. Or go to K's blog. I dont know how she does it, but there's always a post. PS - I tear up every time I go to the mailbox thinking there might be a CD from IL. But alas…….

This blog is my baby and the bane of my existence at times. I love it. It offers me an outlet and a voice, and yet, I feel as though even with a million and one blog posts in my head, time eludes me.

My normal day consists of waking up at 4am, getting ready to work out, cursing myself in my head to make myself go. And if you think that that's just a cute commentary, it's not. I'm serious. I've sat on the edge of my bed for ten minutes at time with the following conversation going through my brain:

Me: "Shit. I could sleep another hour"
Brain: "Get the fuck out of bed. You already have your workout clothes on. This is why you sleep in them and spend so much time at night getting ready, so you can just get up and GO"
Me: But I went yesterday."
Brain: "You know you're an asshole when you dont work out enough"
Me: "Fuck I'm tired"
Brain: "You know you'll feel better, and there's no excuse today, you actually slept eight hours, now get the fuck out of bed"
Me: "I can go tomorrow"
Brain: "If you dont get out of bed and go get in the car I'm going to stroke on your this instance"
Me: "Ok jerk, I'm going"

Then, going straight to work while shoving breakfast in my mouth after the workout. Working until 4:15pm. Racing through traffic on the 80 (which in the Bay area is a nightmare and almost always involves me getting illegally into the carpool lane. Hey, save your judgement) to get to Ad's pre-school in time to pick her up (I have to be there by 5:30). Grabbing her, getting home, making her dinner, spending five minutes with her before her 6-6:15 pm bedtime (if you dont get her down by then, you can forget sleep for the night).

Then racing to get food cooked, house picked up, dog taken out and fed (sorry Tess, you're very patient at times), my lunch packed (which if you know me, is way more complicated then a pbnj and a piece of fruit), packing my workout bag and work clothes for the next day, showering, sometimes a bathroom break and almost always going for a target 'in bed' time of no later then 8:30 pm. This is because my workouts require a pretty strict eight hours of sleep.

For some reason this week, I got a little pep in my step, and was able to do all of this in a new record time. I had a night where I was actually in bed by 7pm. This was of course by removing the option of the bathroom break, forgetting to take out the dog and eating my lunch in bed and hoping I'd be able to store it for the next day. Once I was in bed, I realized I had to pee, so I got up to go. As I was coming back out of the bathroom I ran into the dog who was standing on her hind legs with her leash in her mouth and a look in her eye that sang "Do the. Potty Dance." (that's for the mommys out there who've seen the Potty Dance commercial from Huggies a million times. That fucking tune just wont go away).

So, I take the dog out, come in and realize that I also didnt eat dinner. So I throw something together which is eaten promptly at the kitchen counter, mess cleaned up and dishwasher turned on. I head back to bed realizing that I need to brush and floss. Not in that order. So, I detour to the bathroom again, floss, brush and head back to bed. Now, it's 8:30 and I decide that 'asleep' time, will hopefully be 9pm.

So. I love my blog, and constantly dedicate myself to being better about tending to it, but fail miserably each time. I'm ok with that, because as long as there is an SOS in my life, I know someone will always be there to guilt, I mean, motivate me into keeping it alive. ;)

Dear Body

Dear Body,

I just had to let you know today that I hate you. I shouldnt, you've run pretty well all of these years, but I do. I love the soul within you, the person, but body, you can get fucked today. I work hard to take care of you. Harder then half of the fucking fit and skinny people I know. Fuck you. I had a stressful two weeks. I didnt cheat as much as I could have, and I was still loose Paleo. I only CrossFitted for two days a week instead of four. What did you do with that?

You upped your mass by eight pounds. Eight fucking pounds. You miserable bastard. I cant even have a few fucked up weeks without worrying about you turning on me too??? I fucking hate you right now. I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I allowed my self discipline to drop even a little. I was tired. Exhausted. Stupid body. You couldnt just give me that little bit of down time? Dont take this wrong. I dont hate me. I like me a lot. Right now, I just hate you. You betray me. You and stress. Apparently you and stress have a thing. I wish you would have let me know.

Well, enjoy your little rise while you can, because I'm back to whipping your ass. Apparently you have this sick thing where you only respond when I'm beating the crap out of you. So fuck off, and let the beatings commence.

30 Days of Truth Day #10

Someone you need to let go of or wish you didnt know

This is a difficult one for me. For the same reason I’ve seen written in others posts on this subject. I dont feel, even in the worst of times, that anyone who has come into my life, wasnt meant to serve a purpose or teach me a lesson. So, I’ll choose someone I need to let go, because there isnt anyone I really wish I didnt know.

You know, there isnt even anyone I can think of that I need to let go. I dont really keep people in my life who require the kind of energy it takes to get to the point of need to ‘let them go’. There are things maybe, memories, but no ‘someone’. So, for this post, I’ll call it a day and thank the universe that there isnt anyone to fill this space.

30 Day of Truth Day #9

Someone you didnt want to let go but just drifted

My friend Heather. Heather and I attended the LAPD academy together. She was a couple of years younger then me, but we hit it off right away and she quickly became like a sister. We pushed each other and competed in the friendliest of ways, but no one would take a bullet for each other faster then us.

I was pretty much alone when I went to Los Angeles. I had moved there overnight from Vegas after getting hired. I lived in a hotel for the first few weeks of the academy while I searched for an apartment and waited for my first paycheck. After that, Heather’s family took me in. They quickly became like my own parents. We’d have family dinners, do movies, go out, all of those things. I truly embraced them and loved them like my own, as they had done for me.

After graduation, Heather and I remained close, going out often, partying at each other’s off probation parties, sitting around on days off swapping arrest stories and just hanging out. She truly was, and is, one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Working in LA is hard work, and people dont realize how large the department is. 12,000 police officers and just as much geography. Once off probation, I went to Rampart and began working dope and gangs, and Heather went to be a beach copper. I was envious but happy. Her focus geared towards undercover juvie work and prostitution. Heather looked VERY young for her age, so they loved using her in the high school stings.

Slowly and sadly, we made other friends, and began to drift. No one really intended it, or questioned it. It just slowly took shape. After I moved to the Bay area, I heard that Heather had gotten married, but didnt know what her new last name was. I hope to one day see and talk to her again, but until then, I cherish the memory that was and will always be our friendship. It was the best of times, and well, just the best of times.

30 Days of Truth #8

Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit #8

Can I choose both of those options?? LOL This was so easy for me that it was almost alarming and sad.

My son’s father. I use that term loosely. His donor is more appropriate. Let’s give him a name. I could us any number of them, but his birth name is Mark.

Seeing the name come up on my phone or even crossing my mind, sends shivers down my spine and makes my stomach turn. Literally. Given the right circumstance, I’m sure I could vomit. Seriously, I’ll do it for any of you for five bucks.

This man, another word I use loosely, has made my life a living hell. Our separation came shortly after our five year relationship reached a peak during an argument where he socked me in the arm, and, much to his surprise, I hit him back. I’m not that kind of woman asshole.

I wont go into the detail of how he split with our son for about two years and put me through hell trying to find him. I wont. I will tell you that the only joy (aside from having Corey back) that I got in the four years that followed getting my son back, was spanking Mark’s idiot ass in court over and over.

Mark is the worst kind of person. Another word, ‘person’, yeah, you know, using it loosely and all of that. I barely consider him human on the scale that is that of human beings. He’s more like, well, gum on my shoe. Sticky and a real pain in the ass. He’s talked smack about me to our son his entire life. I had to tell myself for a long time that Corey would grow to make his own decisions one day and be able to decipher the truth. But really, who operates that way with their child?

He pretends to be my best friend and confidant only when he’s alone or wants money. His sole purpose for the past six years has been to siphon as much money out of me as possible, claiming that it’s for Corey’s needs. Next thing I know, Corey doesn't have what he needed, but Mark’s cell phone has been reactivated. Nice.

He is about 5000 lbs. (btw, I love Gabriel Iglesias, so sorry buddy, but the picture was perfect) Ok, I may be exaggerating a little, but seriously folks, not much. I’m no skinny minnie, but really man, put down the doughnut you’re dunking in beer dude. Even for his size, he’s disgustingly charming, and even after many breakups, he still finds a way to charm a woman into his life before ruining her for the next person.

Oh wait, this is about him making my life hell. Lost focus there for a second. He’s the plague in my life, never having uttered a word of truth or kindness. The worst kind of selfish, negative pariah, he goes out of his way to pull our son from my life emotionally, physically, mentally. Luckily, Corey has an amazing mind, and uses it.

I have never used the word hate with anyone in my life other then him. I will apologize to whomever I first meet in the afterlife, but it is, truly, the base of how I feel about him. A simple blog post can never begin to shed light on the truth that is and has been his work in making my life difficult. My best revenge, however, has been success. Not just in life, but in maintaining a strong relationship with our son.

Even with all of this, I have a belief. My belief, is that Mark’s sole and grand purpose in this lifetime, was to bring Corey to me. For that, I am eternally grateful, because he is part of my soul, and my life was forever changed when he came into it.

This year, I turn 40. Corey turn 18. I don't ever have to contact or come into contact with Mark again. I will celebrate. You can count on that.

30 Days of Truth #7

Someone who has made my life worth living for

This one’s hard because the people who instantly come to my mind are our children. They obviously make every day worth waking up to and living to the fullest. I don't want to go with the obvious though. I searched my mind and had a few options, but I chose my sister.

My sister is one of the most incredible people I know. I strive to keep in step with her, even though she’s ten years younger then I am. She has ambition, morals, strength and in general, a motivation to live life her way and to the fullest she possibly can.

She knows me very well. She supports me in whatever it is I’m chasing or working on in my life and always, without fail, offers me the truth. Truth in all things, even when I may not like hearing it. She’s been one of my favorite people from the day she was born. My little ‘potato sack’. My champion. She is seamless but not flawless; working on her self constantly without turning it into self deprecation. How many of us can do that?

She still likes me even though I was a jerk as a younger adult. We share a love of reading that some would consider crazy. We have amazing and in depth conversations about life and all things that I never tire of. And, sometimes, we laugh. Hard. Just laugh, and laugh and laugh.

She’s leaving for Army boot camp in March and I’m proud, very proud of her. I’m excited because I know all about the adventure she’s about to start on out on. She was made for the environment and will thrive. At the same time, I’m sad. Selfishly sad for me that she’ll be going away. It wont change anything but geography, but it still makes me a little sad.

So. My sister. She is definitely one of my reasons for living. And I love her.

30 Days of Truth #6

Something I hope I never have to do


I refuse to give this the energy that the statement alone holds. You know what it is if you know me. Enough said.

30 Days of truth #5

Something I hope to do in my Life

Those who know me might say “School”, or new career or something along those ambitious lines. And, at first, that was what I was going to write about. Truthfully, I’d love to get to go to school in the next year or so, or embark on whatever my new career in life might be. I’m not going to write about that though.

What do I hope to do in life?

Love.

I know, you’re saying, “Huh?” Yes Love.

It’s a verb. You don't just say it. You don't just write it. You DO it.

I hope that I get to love as much as possible. I hope that I get to love as well as I possibly can and cause joy in people’s lives because of it.

I hope that I get to love our children as deeply, strongly and consistently as I can so that they never doubt it, or grow old having ever questioned what being truly loved feels like.

I hope that I Love Jen, even now, so hard that even when the world is falling down around her, she knows that it is so.

I hope that I Love my family and friends to pieces. So that even when I’m imperfect or absent, they can say “I know she loves me”.

I hope to Love even when it’s painful or unrequited.

I hope to Love blindly and selflessly, even when it’s the last thing I want to do.

So, there it is.

In my life, and others.

I hope to do Love.

30 Days of Truth Day #4

Something I need to forgive someone else for.

I can't go into a lot of details on this, because it's just not something I openly share in my life. I think maybe three people know the actual story. There is someone in my past though, a sergeant while I was on patrol at a small police department. He chose to take a path that set in motion the reason I decided to leave patrol. I've held on to what he did for six years now.

It haunts me at times. Not as much now as the first two years. But it creeps in from time to time, usually on my ride to work. I've not yet to this day and with years of therapy, figured out that correlation. Maybe it's unimportant. What is important is that it does, from time to time, still occur.

So, this year, today, right now, Sarge, I forgive you. I forgive you for not coming to me to talk. For being letter of the law versus spirit of the law. For seeing how someones life is crumbling, but not caring. I forgive you for hating that women are even allowed to operate within 'your' law enforcement. I forgive you for being the worst with tactics and putting other officer's lives in danger, including my own. I forgive you for being a total sack.

I forgive you for everything.

And, it just might be the biggest thing I've ever done for myself.