This is going to be a bit of a long entry, so grab some coffee, water, a soda, plug in your little one, or what not. Christmas, for whatever reason, always makes me thoughtful, about all things. So, I thought that I would talk about some things.
It amazes me how we change as we grow older (or sometimes, mentally younger). If you asked anyone close to me in high school who really knew me; I think that there would be one common theme: Getting me to talk about what was on my mind, or what was really going on in my life, was like pulling teeth. This seems funny to me now, because I'm very much the opposite of that. I, as many people, have done a lot of hard work on myself over the years, and am proud of this accomplishment. In part, because it was my choice. Many people choose to never change and to allow their parental influences or environment shape who or what they become. And then, in part, because it really became my goal many years ago, to live a conscious life. And definitely a much more conscious type of life then my parents did. Especially my mother.
I had a great childhood and out of my brother, sister and I, consider myself, the most fortunate. My parents didnt divorce until the year after I graduated high school. Though I saw it coming long before that. I feel that my brother and sister had to live in and deal with that situation in a different way then I did. However, I was also raised in the manner of "Children are to be seen and not heard". I feel that although I was a pretty funny and outgoing child, this caused me to have some holding back flaws as I grew. If you would ask me a simple question like "What's wrong?", by the time I was 16, getting me to answer you would be a feat larger then life. I was very much programmed to 'be strong' and to keep needs, feelings and/or concerns to myself. And, so, there I was. I hope to raise our children in a different manner. To have respect, but to also know that we respect what they have to say and how they are feeling.
A couple of years out of high school I discovered that I was unconsciously beginning to follow patterns of behavior that were my mothers. I now understand more about how this happens, but feel fortunate that I started down a path of learning on how to break those behaviors. This path also led me to the truth of becoming not only who I wanted to be, but who I was meant to be. When I was young, I looked at my mother as a great mom. Strong, vibrant, really funny and a good hearted woman. As I grew older and she changed, I saw different things. I watched my mom become a manipulator. I watched her get what she wanted when she wanted it from people and once her usefullness for them was over, she would abandon them. As though people were disposable and unimportant.
I saw this increase as I got older. I also saw her develop poor communication skills, lie, become bitter, negative and a whole list of things. I could go on with all of this, but what it comes down to, is that you dont realize until you choose to change yourself, how much parental behavior affects you, as you grow, in life and all you do. I knew from the moment Corey existed, that I would be a better, more open, and consistent parent then my mother.
I began my path in law enforcement when I was 21 years old. I had Corey when I was 23 yrs old and I went into the Marine Corps when I was 26yrs old. I went through a lot of change during these periods, but it was all very different. Getting into law enforcement showed me what path I genuinely wanted to take. Corey, taught me how selfish I was and how I hated that, and how great loving him made me feel. Going into the Marine Corps gave me an independence and pride that made me always want to be better.
Even with all of that, there was so much more to come. I recall with great clarity during life, times, 23, 26, 28, 30, 33 yrs old, when I would think out loud "Wow, I really feel like I'm close to learning as much as I might ever learn and I've really grown to a good point". How naive. I didnt learn until about age 33 that until you acknowledge that learning is forever, or without it there's no growth or change, that you'll never be in a space you want to be in.
Aside from Corey, my greatest and most life altering changes came when I first went to work for LAPD. I saw the worst of the worst on an almost daily basis. I worked harder then I ever had. I had to live a different standard then most people. I began to see things differently. I got shot at. I fought people, good and bad. I had to take children away from people, screaming and crying. I had a partner get shot, but survive. I had a partner shoot himself, and die. I loved this work. Until, I began to disagree with the way some of the other people I worked with, treated the citizens we interacted with. I didnt do this work because of money, but worked with people who did. When you're in this line of work for that reason, you dont function the way you need to.
I struggled for a few years watching things happen and people in situations that caused me pause. While with the second department I worked for, I learned an important thing from one of the best cops I ever worked with. He said, "When you make a conscious decision to not let this line of work define who you are, is when you'll live the life you want to have". By this time, I myself had already made a poor life altering decision, which I now know, was meant to be. At the time, it dumped me on the right path. It didnt feel like it then because it was incredibly painful and my life was turned upside down, but when I look back now, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
This, was when I really began to blossom, as a person, as a human being, as someone who was able to be open and honest, regardless of the outcome, circumstance and without fear. After only a year of living in this mindful state, working in and out of therapy, removing negative aspects of my life including people, places, things, etc, I met Jen. It was quite by accident and I wont tell the story, but it was definitely fate stepping in and showing me what kinds of people and things were on this new path of mine. After only a month, I actually told her that I wasnt ready for her, for many reasons. It felt overwhelming at the time. I had only been out of a relationship for a year, stuff was going on with Corey and a few other things.
Well, she had really put herself out there to me. To say that we had hit it off was an understatement. Even though I knew this, and was honest with her, honesty doesnt prevent hurt. When I told her I wasnt ready, I hurt her. As I continued for the next two months to work through some other things, I found that she was always on my mind and my feelings for her grew, even when she wasnt around. It's kind of funny what, or I should say who, changed my path at this point. I had a conversation with Corey one night. He was still confused to a point about the break up between my ex and I, and this was one of the things that gave me pause about getting into a new relationship. I've always been very guarded when it comes to him. I asked him how he was feeling and told him that there was someone I really liked.
He was 9. Do you know what he said to me? He said, "Mom, I just want you to be happy". This made me smile and meant more to me then I think he'll know for a very long time. It said to me that he would be fine, and not that it should have, but I felt like it gave me permission to move on. So, after 3 months apart, I got in contact with Jen. We had talked a few times in between all of this, but it was never clear and I knew that she was still damaged. To say that I came to her on my hands and knees was an understatement, lol. I was on a trip when I contacted her, and she was in the midwest on a trip herself. She actually flew to where I was at to spend a few days with me. One of the greatest moments of my life was seeing her get off of that plane. It was a great few days, and, we began our life together at that point.
Now, it wasnt all rainbows and the typical Lesbian insta-relationship. I paid. A lot. For a couple of years. I had damaged a person, and I had to work very hard on repairing that, and regaining trust. There was no honeymoon period for us. It was really really hard work. I felt however, that this was my opportunity to really be that person I wanted to be, and I knew, that that was the only way things would ever work. I also knew that I loved her and that she was the person I wanted to spend my life with, so whatever price I had to pay, was well worth it. And it has been.
We probably went through more in the first three years of our relationship then most people do in about ten. I left patrol with her support. I got back into law enforcement with her support. We've gone through issues with Corey, 2 1/2yrs of TTC, death and loss, etc etc. I strongly believe though that all of these things are why we have the relationship we have now. We're human, we argue, we disagree, we laugh, we cry etc etc, but we've both learned things that are stamps on our lives. I feel that her stamp is probably that, when we fight, it doesnt mean that we're breaking up, or that things are irreparable. After years together, she knows that I'm here for the long haul, and that she doesnt have to worry. And I know the same of her.
My stamp? That I can be myself, no matter what that means at the moment, and she'll always love me no matter what. Some people never have that, so I feel fortunate beyond belief. She is the first person in my life whom I'd ever met, who made, and makes, me always want to be better. And not just for her, but for me, because I know that the better I am for me, the better we are. I hope that that makes sense to you the reader.
One of my favorite phenomenons being with my wife, is that I fall in love with her over and over. I always love her, I dont always like her, lol, but I always love her. But. There have been moments over the course of our relationship, where, I'll look at her, or she'll say something, do something, maybe do nothing, and my heart will fill as I fall in love with her all over again. This is an amazing feeling, and something I've never experienced before outside of Corey. To make my loving her simple, I'll just say that she is an amazing woman and I, am the luckiest person to be spending my life with her.
So. Here I am in life. I have an amazing wife. I have a son I adore. I am pregnant with our second child. I get to go back to school next year for my second career. And what have I learned about who I am? I have learned that I'm sensitive. I'm organic. I'm funny. I'm angry. I'm passionate. I can be a brat. I can be smart. I can be not so much. I'm positive. I'm strong. The biggest thing I've learned? That I like who I've become. Imperfect; with the skills to continue growing and improving until the day I'm old. I wish this, if even in the slightest, for everyone. Happy Holidays.
