30 Days of Truth Day #10

Someone you need to let go of or wish you didnt know

This is a difficult one for me. For the same reason I’ve seen written in others posts on this subject. I dont feel, even in the worst of times, that anyone who has come into my life, wasnt meant to serve a purpose or teach me a lesson. So, I’ll choose someone I need to let go, because there isnt anyone I really wish I didnt know.

You know, there isnt even anyone I can think of that I need to let go. I dont really keep people in my life who require the kind of energy it takes to get to the point of need to ‘let them go’. There are things maybe, memories, but no ‘someone’. So, for this post, I’ll call it a day and thank the universe that there isnt anyone to fill this space.

30 Day of Truth Day #9

Someone you didnt want to let go but just drifted

My friend Heather. Heather and I attended the LAPD academy together. She was a couple of years younger then me, but we hit it off right away and she quickly became like a sister. We pushed each other and competed in the friendliest of ways, but no one would take a bullet for each other faster then us.

I was pretty much alone when I went to Los Angeles. I had moved there overnight from Vegas after getting hired. I lived in a hotel for the first few weeks of the academy while I searched for an apartment and waited for my first paycheck. After that, Heather’s family took me in. They quickly became like my own parents. We’d have family dinners, do movies, go out, all of those things. I truly embraced them and loved them like my own, as they had done for me.

After graduation, Heather and I remained close, going out often, partying at each other’s off probation parties, sitting around on days off swapping arrest stories and just hanging out. She truly was, and is, one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

Working in LA is hard work, and people dont realize how large the department is. 12,000 police officers and just as much geography. Once off probation, I went to Rampart and began working dope and gangs, and Heather went to be a beach copper. I was envious but happy. Her focus geared towards undercover juvie work and prostitution. Heather looked VERY young for her age, so they loved using her in the high school stings.

Slowly and sadly, we made other friends, and began to drift. No one really intended it, or questioned it. It just slowly took shape. After I moved to the Bay area, I heard that Heather had gotten married, but didnt know what her new last name was. I hope to one day see and talk to her again, but until then, I cherish the memory that was and will always be our friendship. It was the best of times, and well, just the best of times.

30 Days of Truth #8

Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit #8

Can I choose both of those options?? LOL This was so easy for me that it was almost alarming and sad.

My son’s father. I use that term loosely. His donor is more appropriate. Let’s give him a name. I could us any number of them, but his birth name is Mark.

Seeing the name come up on my phone or even crossing my mind, sends shivers down my spine and makes my stomach turn. Literally. Given the right circumstance, I’m sure I could vomit. Seriously, I’ll do it for any of you for five bucks.

This man, another word I use loosely, has made my life a living hell. Our separation came shortly after our five year relationship reached a peak during an argument where he socked me in the arm, and, much to his surprise, I hit him back. I’m not that kind of woman asshole.

I wont go into the detail of how he split with our son for about two years and put me through hell trying to find him. I wont. I will tell you that the only joy (aside from having Corey back) that I got in the four years that followed getting my son back, was spanking Mark’s idiot ass in court over and over.

Mark is the worst kind of person. Another word, ‘person’, yeah, you know, using it loosely and all of that. I barely consider him human on the scale that is that of human beings. He’s more like, well, gum on my shoe. Sticky and a real pain in the ass. He’s talked smack about me to our son his entire life. I had to tell myself for a long time that Corey would grow to make his own decisions one day and be able to decipher the truth. But really, who operates that way with their child?

He pretends to be my best friend and confidant only when he’s alone or wants money. His sole purpose for the past six years has been to siphon as much money out of me as possible, claiming that it’s for Corey’s needs. Next thing I know, Corey doesn't have what he needed, but Mark’s cell phone has been reactivated. Nice.

He is about 5000 lbs. (btw, I love Gabriel Iglesias, so sorry buddy, but the picture was perfect) Ok, I may be exaggerating a little, but seriously folks, not much. I’m no skinny minnie, but really man, put down the doughnut you’re dunking in beer dude. Even for his size, he’s disgustingly charming, and even after many breakups, he still finds a way to charm a woman into his life before ruining her for the next person.

Oh wait, this is about him making my life hell. Lost focus there for a second. He’s the plague in my life, never having uttered a word of truth or kindness. The worst kind of selfish, negative pariah, he goes out of his way to pull our son from my life emotionally, physically, mentally. Luckily, Corey has an amazing mind, and uses it.

I have never used the word hate with anyone in my life other then him. I will apologize to whomever I first meet in the afterlife, but it is, truly, the base of how I feel about him. A simple blog post can never begin to shed light on the truth that is and has been his work in making my life difficult. My best revenge, however, has been success. Not just in life, but in maintaining a strong relationship with our son.

Even with all of this, I have a belief. My belief, is that Mark’s sole and grand purpose in this lifetime, was to bring Corey to me. For that, I am eternally grateful, because he is part of my soul, and my life was forever changed when he came into it.

This year, I turn 40. Corey turn 18. I don't ever have to contact or come into contact with Mark again. I will celebrate. You can count on that.

30 Days of Truth #7

Someone who has made my life worth living for

This one’s hard because the people who instantly come to my mind are our children. They obviously make every day worth waking up to and living to the fullest. I don't want to go with the obvious though. I searched my mind and had a few options, but I chose my sister.

My sister is one of the most incredible people I know. I strive to keep in step with her, even though she’s ten years younger then I am. She has ambition, morals, strength and in general, a motivation to live life her way and to the fullest she possibly can.

She knows me very well. She supports me in whatever it is I’m chasing or working on in my life and always, without fail, offers me the truth. Truth in all things, even when I may not like hearing it. She’s been one of my favorite people from the day she was born. My little ‘potato sack’. My champion. She is seamless but not flawless; working on her self constantly without turning it into self deprecation. How many of us can do that?

She still likes me even though I was a jerk as a younger adult. We share a love of reading that some would consider crazy. We have amazing and in depth conversations about life and all things that I never tire of. And, sometimes, we laugh. Hard. Just laugh, and laugh and laugh.

She’s leaving for Army boot camp in March and I’m proud, very proud of her. I’m excited because I know all about the adventure she’s about to start on out on. She was made for the environment and will thrive. At the same time, I’m sad. Selfishly sad for me that she’ll be going away. It wont change anything but geography, but it still makes me a little sad.

So. My sister. She is definitely one of my reasons for living. And I love her.

30 Days of Truth #6

Something I hope I never have to do


I refuse to give this the energy that the statement alone holds. You know what it is if you know me. Enough said.

30 Days of truth #5

Something I hope to do in my Life

Those who know me might say “School”, or new career or something along those ambitious lines. And, at first, that was what I was going to write about. Truthfully, I’d love to get to go to school in the next year or so, or embark on whatever my new career in life might be. I’m not going to write about that though.

What do I hope to do in life?

Love.

I know, you’re saying, “Huh?” Yes Love.

It’s a verb. You don't just say it. You don't just write it. You DO it.

I hope that I get to love as much as possible. I hope that I get to love as well as I possibly can and cause joy in people’s lives because of it.

I hope that I get to love our children as deeply, strongly and consistently as I can so that they never doubt it, or grow old having ever questioned what being truly loved feels like.

I hope that I Love Jen, even now, so hard that even when the world is falling down around her, she knows that it is so.

I hope that I Love my family and friends to pieces. So that even when I’m imperfect or absent, they can say “I know she loves me”.

I hope to Love even when it’s painful or unrequited.

I hope to Love blindly and selflessly, even when it’s the last thing I want to do.

So, there it is.

In my life, and others.

I hope to do Love.

30 Days of Truth Day #4

Something I need to forgive someone else for.

I can't go into a lot of details on this, because it's just not something I openly share in my life. I think maybe three people know the actual story. There is someone in my past though, a sergeant while I was on patrol at a small police department. He chose to take a path that set in motion the reason I decided to leave patrol. I've held on to what he did for six years now.

It haunts me at times. Not as much now as the first two years. But it creeps in from time to time, usually on my ride to work. I've not yet to this day and with years of therapy, figured out that correlation. Maybe it's unimportant. What is important is that it does, from time to time, still occur.

So, this year, today, right now, Sarge, I forgive you. I forgive you for not coming to me to talk. For being letter of the law versus spirit of the law. For seeing how someones life is crumbling, but not caring. I forgive you for hating that women are even allowed to operate within 'your' law enforcement. I forgive you for being the worst with tactics and putting other officer's lives in danger, including my own. I forgive you for being a total sack.

I forgive you for everything.

And, it just might be the biggest thing I've ever done for myself.