Confusing Depression

Michelle here today. Yes, still alive.

For the most part, I'm a pretty positive person. Almost cheerleader-like some would say. Our OB told me the other day, that even though I'm in that 1% of people who get this sick, I'm a very positive person. She said that a lot of people refuse to do what they tell them, and I've done it all. By the letter. Well, I'm not having that day today. For those of you who read our blog, I'm sure that you've read Jen's entries and know that I've been in and out of the hospital for severe Hyperemsis Gravitum. Severe morning sickness. My longest stay was five days. Intense, and made a little more depressing by the fact that the only room available was in the Oncology unit. I've never felt more guilty for feeling sick in my life.

This is actually the first entry I've done in close to a month. I think. I've pretty much lost count of days or what the date is, and I'm pretty close to not knowing what time it is anymore. I wont re-cap the hospital moments really. That's been done. I'll come to more recent events.

We were at the OB last week, and she told me that I'm officially the most sick pregnant person they've ever had. I asked if there was a prize for that, but I didnt get a trophy on my way out. It was little consolation for how I was feeling, and how I'm still feeling. Now, I havent thrown up in a week, which is great. You would think that it would be so great, that I would be thrilled. However, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in that place where the nausea, even with the medication, is so bad, that at times, throwing up is a momentary relief. I'm having to drink 8-9 litres of water a day to keep hydrated. Any less, and our next appointment is always accompanied by the announcement of keytones in my urine. Unfortunately, that doesnt mean that you pee'd a tune when you donated to the sterile cup choir. It means that you're deydrated to the point where your blood, the blood that's circulating to and from your baby, is becoming acidic. No guilt there. So, sick or not, I'm pushing water like I'm trying to be a professional fire hydrant.

My hope. My prayer. My wish, for anyone reading our blog, who is now pregnant, is that NONE of you ever experience this. Today has been a hard emotional day for me. I feel like no matter what we've done, or what I do, the sickness returns. Eating is a horrible event and everything tastes like garbage. I was told that the villi in my digestive track are raw along with my intestinal lining. This makes digestion an agonizing process, but something I have to go through to heal. So, now that I've ranted, here's where I'm at today. I've never been sick much in my life. And never, ever, sick this long. I'm having a really hard time dealing with it emotionally. I'm an on-the-go person, and I've had to be in bed for almost three months now. I'm at home, barely able to leave the house. When I do go out, it wears me down. I always say that I feel like I ran a marathon. I'm sick of tv, books, the computer. I dont even like answering the phone right now, because I almost always have to run down to family or friends, what's gone on for the week and I just dont have the energy anymore.

I think that the frustration comes from doing everything you're supposed to do, but things dont change much. The emotional ups and downs, I think, are from isolation, boredom, unusual inactivity, etc, all rolled into what's becoming a mild depression. Not that crazy depression, but any depression for me, is unusual. I almost feel like I need to watch a movie that would allow me a good cry. You know, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Finding Nemo. Even though I seem to tear up at everything including commercials right now, I mean a good hard cry. I dont know. Maybe I'll try it.

Now, you would think that at this point, the people who know us and are closest to us would know, that we've tried EVERYTHING, that there is out there for morning sickness. I mean, if you've been in the hospital a few times in three months, you're way beyond ginger and crackers. And yet, people who love me, are STILL asking, "Have you eaten a cracker?" Well SHIT, why didnt I think of THAT???? So, I'm reaching out to our blogging community. Does anyone have any ideas on how to beat the boredom, or get out of this depressing funk? I'm like a flower, I need sunlight to be happy, but I just cant stay out for long unfortunately. Thanks for reading this vent, and I hope that you're all doing great :)

Pictures from our trip in May 2008, Yellowstone, etc.....

A beautiful day off.......

This picture was taken back in 2005 when Michelle and I first met. My parents had come to visit and it was the first time EVER that I had introduced someone I was dating to my parents. It was a big step. I was so worried about how my dad would treat Michelle. We went to dinner at Scoma's that evening and it was a really nice night together. After dinner my dad actually gave Michelle a hug, it was amazing to me.
Anyway, don't know where I am going with all of this but just was looking through old pictures and remembering a found memory with my beloved, Michelle.
Michelle's Dr's appt went well today. She was a little bit dehydrated but not bad. They did some changing of her diet and they want to see her back on Friday.
The heartbeat of our little angel is as strong as ever!! And they told us it won't be until week 20 that we will see our angel. Can't wait!!
--Mommy "J"

A day at the doggie park.......

This was Jersey today at the pet park. She was so happy. She is like Michelle and hasn't been out of the house in quite awhile other than to go potty. You see, the place we moved into in May only allows one dog so Jersey is in the closet. She can't be seen. Kinda sucks but thats the way it has to be for now. So, today was her day.
It didn't start out so nice though, being Sunday the parking lot was packed. So I drove around the little circle, noticed a couple of lesbians walking to their BMW with their boxer puppy, so I waited for them to leave. Well, evidently there was a car on the front, it was not there when I just drove by, but they swear they had been sitting there forever! Right. Well, I parked. Here comes this woman walking straight at me, I totally thought she was going to hit me or something. I even said, "what are you going to do, fight me?" She was right in my face as I tried to open the door and let Jersey out. I said "get out of my face, I don't have to talk to you." She says, "yes you do, you have to apologize to me." I said "no, I don't" and walked across the street. She walked with me, saying okay, lets go for a walk. I just walked off. Well, when I got back to my car after our long walk, I had a nice surprise waiting for me. She had keyed the passenger side of my car. See picture above of gray car....I couldn't believe it. She had told me, this is going to happen to you, someone is going to take your spot one day. I was like, okay! So, anyway, I am thinking to myself, what is going to happen to her for keying my car? That is some pretty bad Karma, right there, don't you think? I highly believe in Karma and I know what comes around, goes around, but come on, it was a parking place, and there were two other spots closer to her than where I parked. I am just really happy I didn't get shot or stabbed, you know, people do some crazy things over the little things.
Okay, enough of my venting. We go back to the Dr in the morning. We will see how Michelle has been doing over the weekend. She seems to be doing well, she is able to keep all of the food she does eat down. She is nauseous but no throwing up. Which is great. I know she is so sick of being in the house. Same view day in and day out. I think she has kept enough water down though. That is what is important.
She talked to her nutritionist tonight too, which made her feel better. The nutritionist is going to work with our OB. Hopefully they will get something figured out. She had some good ideas.
I have had fun the last few days checking out more blogs, I love the ones with pictures, because I love pictures. I need to get out and get some beach pictures taken. I can't wait until the baby is here, I am going to be baby picture crazy. I know when my nephew was born, I took so many pictures. A lot of the blogs we have been reading have some great photos. Enough for tonight.....
--Mommy "J"