Most of my posts and status updates on FB lately have not been happy. I'm still sick and pissed about it, but something really funny happened to me today on the way home from work, so I had to blog about it, and, hopefully, share a laugh with all of you.
As I drove onto the bridge, a typical 'gangster' car pulled up next to me. Right on the construction curb where you can only do 40mph. It was the exact car pictured above, only black. The same ridiculous big tires, on the same shitty old car. A look that gets a laugh from me every time. I desperately wanted to get a picture of this car, but if you've been on the under construction Bay Bridge coming out of the city lately, you'll know why you would have been reading about the little Honda that drove off the bridge, instead of reading my blog.
So, said vehicle pulls up next to me and there is a chocolate male driving alone inside. As I glance over, he leans back a little, looks right at me, and gives me a sideways smile while moving his eyebrows up and down like a bad cartoon caracerture. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee. But I didnt. Instead I looked back over as he revved his engine and continued to give me a toothy grin. I wondered for several seconds how he was crashing, because he certainly wasnt looking where he was driving. He continued to flash me a gold tooth grin and once we were on the straight away of the bridge, I took my phone out in an attempt to take a photo of this interesting person and his overly interesting vehicle. As soon as I did, he looked like he'd seen a ghost and took off like a shot. So, no photo. But, I promise you, that car up there, in black, was it.
I wrote a mental letter to my departed Gangsta Lovah as I watched him speed off and thought I'd share it with you here.
Dear Gangsta Lovah,
Maybe it's good that you drove off like a shot in, what has to be, your Hemi 500 engine under the hood of a mid 80's Buick, whose rims must have cost more then five of those cars put together. Unless of course they're really good Pep Boys plastic classics. Alas, I'll never know. I wonder what you were thinking when you saw me. Me, white girl with frazzled hair from a long day of hacking up my lung at work, in my black four door Honda Civic. What a catch. You must have seen me and thought, "That, is the girl for me, I have to get next to her car, right now".
Once you caught up to me, you thought, "I'll shoot her my killer grin and win her over in my den of love on four wheels". Oh, my Ebony prince, there are so many reasons it would have never worked between you and I. The LEAST of those being that I'm a Lesbian. Let's forget that I was unimpressed by your shiny rims on your car that was shivering under their power, and the blacked out windows with their cracked tint. Once we get past that, let's just say that I actually pulled over and we talked. How did you see that going?
Standing out on the side of the road in the beautiful California sun that was shining here today, I would have noticed that your teeth were almost as yellow as the two gold teeth smack dab in the front of your mouth. And, I may not have been able to see you very well due to the gleam in my eye as the sun struck the cubic zirconium lightning bolt embedded in one of them. As I held my hand up to shield my eyes, I would have been glad that I did right as I caught a whiff of your breath that permeated the space between us.
Where would you have gone from here my chocolate god? Would you have tried to entice me into coming out to have a Fo-Tee with you at your parents house? Would you have told me you wanted to take me to have a shake at the local malt shop? I wonder how you would try to woo me? Would it be your grossly over applied and cheap cologne, or that you put that on and NOT deodorant? Would you have said, "Come have a fo-tee with me and be my sho-teeeee"? "Have you ever had a chocolate vanilla swirl baby?" Or any of the other lines we've all heard. Now, dont think for a second that it's the color of your skin my NOT Denzel Washington wannabee. I've dated chocolate men AND women. You could be blue for all I care, it's your approach that causes me to pause.
So, the next time a worn out lesbian driving along the 80 catches your eye, the result may be the same, but maybe you'll rethink your approach. On the other hand, I hope you dont, you gave me the best laugh I'd had all week.
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