Hi Everyone, Michelle here. I know I havent blogged in a bit, but here I am :) I have actually felt pretty darned good the past two days. I have eaten food. Real food. I'm almost to the point where I can stop licking plastic Fisher Price food and pretending I'm eating. So, this is going to be a long blog. Grab some coffee, some Zen tea or a beer, put the laptop in your lap and kick back. Momma's bout' to tell a story. Oh, and the picture, this is Corey at 8yrs old, having fun at his first SF Pride parade.
I've been pretty mad. For years. Kind of a silent, pent up, bothered feeling. Not the anger that kills your heart. Maybe I'll call it a hurtful disappointment. These feelings oringinated from my OB who attended the birth of our son Corey. 15yrs ago. A lot has changed since then in the OBGyn field, which I was happy about this time around. However, I still had those deep seeded feelings of resentment towards this man we'll call Dr. L. That was, until I started really doing some deep research lately on VBAC. I truly feel now, that most of what he did, was what I had truly asked him for. At 23 (I'm now 37), sometimes you only react to the outcome, and not the process. I hope you can all understand that.
I'll get to the story of Corey's birth and why I've been resentful. The story is a little rough, so if you're squeemish, you may want to pick and choose what you read, lol.
I wanted to have a natural child birth. More then anything. I didnt want to be administered any type of drug for pain. I wanted that little man to come into the world with as little alteration, fogginess or complication as possible. Who really doesnt want that for their child or their birth? Well, I had an ultrasound on Corey's due date. Because well, obviously, he wasnt there yet, lol. My OB estimated his weight at 10lbs plus and advised me that there was almost no amniotic fluid left. Now, this scared me. I wasnt exactly sure what it meant, and my means of research at that time was much more limited then it is now.
I asked him what this meant, and he said that I would probably have to have a C-Section if he didnt make an appearance soon. I cried. Right there. On the exam table. By myself. Even though I call Corey 'our' son, my partner and I werent together at that time, and neither were his donor and I. I told him that I really didnt want a C-section and he said, "Misheray (he was a very short, very funny Asian man with a very strong accent so he never said Michelle), dis' es' one BIG babay. He need to come out soon". I said, ok, so, is it an emergency, or can we wait a little longer?
He told me that we could wait, but he wanted to see me every 3 or 4 days. That was fine with me so we both went about our day. One week later, we saw each other again. I wasnt efaced, or dilated, or pruned or anything. Another ultrasound revealed that my large infant's head was approximately 14 centimers(? I'm not sure if it's centimeters or sonometers, or what) around. Well, he said that that was big, and it seemed to exceed what my pelvis was capable of handling. Again, the C word came up. I again said, "I dont want that". He again said, "See you in a week". I think if Corey's heart had been in distress or if my blood pressure would have been nearing Pre-Eclampsya, he would have been singing a different tune, but at that point, he was just freakishly large. I was ok with that.
Well, at 3 weeks past due, Dr. L said it was time for induction. I told him that I didnt want Pitocin. I think he was about sick of me at that point, lol. He said fine, we'll do frozen cervical inserts. To this day, I dont know if it was just a differnt form of Pitocin, but at that point, I was happy with that answer. So, Friday morning, I went in at 6am, ready to do the thing. I had my first insert, they put me on a hydrating IV drip and I began to walk. I just knew that if I kept my body moving, that I'd be havin' that baby! Right. 12 hrs later, I was still walking and it was time for an exam. I was in labor, moderate, but, I was only dilated to 2. Damn. Talk about disappointment. Here's where things start getting ugly, so if you're squeemish, scroll baby, scroll.
My wonderful Dr.L says to me, "Okay Misharay. We are going to pull your mucus prug (plug) and I stretch your cervix out to 2 1/2-3 by hand. After that, we will see you within 48hrs because once the prug is gone, baby come out". Now, this doesnt exactly sound bad. RIGHT. IF, you dont know what it means. I, being 23, first child, my best friend and Labor coach never having had it done, not knowing, did NOT know. So, I say, "Let's do it". Ok, I should have known something uncomfortable was coming when I had my birth coach being told to hold one of my hands and arms, and the nurse saying it is holding the other. Then, Dr.L has two nurses helping him. He says, This will probably be very uncomfortable or hurt a little. What an understatement.
Dr.L (I can only now fully appreciate that he was a small Asian man. You know, small hands etc) then proceeds to put my feet up in the stirrups, put his right hand into my girly parts, to the point of about his forearm. I only know this because I've never had anything make me sit straight up so fast in my life. I'm not ashamed to say that what he did next, made me scream. He grabbed something (it was my mucus plug), twisted, and pulled. Now, if it had been done at this point, I would have cried and gone on. No, Dr.L, Dr. Evil at that point, goes back in. A little further this time, and he stretches my cervix out to whatever the hell it was after that. Probably, THE most painful thing I've ever had done to me in my life. And I've been hit by an F250 truck on my motorcycle, been a Marine and a cop. So, I've felt some things. Nothing compares.
I am amazed, knowing what I know now, that my water didnt break. But, it didnt. Damned solid steel bag held up. My labor kicked up a notch, and, at 7pm, I was sent home with a slap on the ass and a "See you soon". I was pissed to say the least. I was in moderate labor until about 3am and I had discharge from my mucus plug for a day or so. On Monday, I was back to whatever normal is at 9 months and 3 weeks of pregnancy. This was the point where I was told the baby would be coming. I should have been in the hospital giving birth. Instead. I was at home making a turkey souffle'. I went to see Dr.L on WEdnesday, and he was blown away. He looked at me and said, "Misheray. Where's the babay?" In my mind I said, "I dont know you son of a bitch, you tell me". I was still a little bitter from our intimate experience.
Dr. L kept it short and sweet. "See you back at the hospital, same time Friday morning. We're going to induce again, the same way, and you're having the baby that day". I said "Fine" a little tersley, and left. Friday morning came and we went through the same process. I stayed in bed for the first two hours pretty pissed off from the last experience. But, after venting to my amazing nurse, I was up and walking. My exam at 5pm showed that I still wasnt progressing past a 2. Again, disappointment beyond belief. Even though your body is making these decisions, psychologically, you feel responsible. Dr.L decided to stretch me out to 2. Can I say that I wasnt happy about that? Yeah. Nuff' said. Afterward, he also decided that it was time to break my water since my labor was progressing, but my cervix was not. That, actually felt pretty good. It was warm and a moments relief.
So, that was when things really kicked in. My labor got movin'. I breathed, my labor coach did a great job of keeping me on my focal point and kicking everyone out of the room because at that point, I hated them all. At 10:30pm, Dr.L came in and did an exam. He looked up at me and said, "Misheray, you're barely at a 2, you went backward". I cried. I just started crying. I was in pain. I hadnt had a lick of pain medication, and my cervix had gone nowhere. I wondered if maybe he just wasnt ready to be here??? The fetal monitor was saying that he was beginning to show signs of distress, there was no amniotic fluid, I wasnt progressing and so, the obvious was decided for me. Dr.L said that he was concerned about Corey and didnt want things to go on any longer, especially since he was 3 weeks overdue.
I was taken to the OR, given a spinal and given a C-Section. I got to see Corey for about 30 seconds. My Labor coach got to hold him and put his foot prints on her hospital gown. He was then taken away, even though he was fine. I wasnt sure why. I was told that I had to be put in a recovery room for 4-6hrs to lay prone so the spinal would wear off and there wouldnt be any damage. It was the lonliest 6hrs of my life. When they finally took me to my room, they wheeled in a clear plastic container on wheels with what looked like a large Easter egg in it. It was my 10lb 1oz son Corey. What was odd, was, that no one handed him to me at first. They wheeled him in, left the container at the end of my bed and left. It was early morning, pretty dark, quiet, and very lonely. And, I had just had major surgery and couldnt get up to get him. I just stared. And stared. At him. At the clock. At him, at the clock.
45 minutes. It was 45 minutes before someone came in and said, "Do you want to try to nurse him?" Um, yeah. Jerks. I would love to get to hold my baby for the first time after almost 8 hrs. Thanks. My regular, awesome nurse came in just then and said she'd take over. This made me happy. Corey wouldnt latch on, which made me cry. A lot. My nurse did some asking around and found out that he had been given a bottle in the nursery. So, he already knew bottle, not me. I was furious. All of these decisions felt as though they were being taken away from me. No one said, "Where's her birth plan? Does anyone know what she wanted?" They just did their routine. No one asked. Thankfully, my nurse told everyone, "No more bottles, she wants to breastfeed and we need to work on that".
So, that was the beginning. Long story, but I learned a lot about what I want and dont want, and how to get it or not. Things are different this time. I'm not that young, uneducated, alone, scared person who didnt know how to force myself down people's throats when it came to my body. I also discovered, after reading countless other stories and researching other cases, that my doctor, waited and listened to me more then, then most do now. I spent many years holding him responsible for my C-section when he listened to me for 3 weeks. Not to say that I was thrilled with the outcome, but the anger is not there now. Hopefully, someone out there will take something from my story. Long as it is.
So, the good news should only take a few more lines, lol. With Jen's support, and only because of her, we have made a huge decision in our lives. Ever since I was a child, all I ever wanted to do was be a doctor (MD or Vet) or a cop. Well, I've been a cop, been in law enforcement for 16yrs now. I'm over it. I still love to help people, but I've seen enough and been through enough, that I'd love to do something else I love. After the baby is born, I get to begin to fulfill a lifelong dream of going to Veterinary school. I'll finish a Vet Tech program first and go from there.
Once I'm done, Jen will get to quit work and go to school for what she loves. She loves the elderly and helping people, so we're thinking probably nursing school. I cant wait to be able to do that for her. I'm excited, because I need the brain stimulation. I've also been riding and showing horses since I was about 3 or 4 yrs old. Through high school I was in FFA, 4-H and all of that fun stuff. Animals are a big part of our lives, so it will be great for both of us. I'll probably do a major in Equine medicine with a minor in Agricultural Science. We want to move back to South Dakota eventually, and there's no shortage of that there. Well, that's it for now. :) (Isnt it enough? lol)
