Confusing Depression

Michelle here today. Yes, still alive.

For the most part, I'm a pretty positive person. Almost cheerleader-like some would say. Our OB told me the other day, that even though I'm in that 1% of people who get this sick, I'm a very positive person. She said that a lot of people refuse to do what they tell them, and I've done it all. By the letter. Well, I'm not having that day today. For those of you who read our blog, I'm sure that you've read Jen's entries and know that I've been in and out of the hospital for severe Hyperemsis Gravitum. Severe morning sickness. My longest stay was five days. Intense, and made a little more depressing by the fact that the only room available was in the Oncology unit. I've never felt more guilty for feeling sick in my life.

This is actually the first entry I've done in close to a month. I think. I've pretty much lost count of days or what the date is, and I'm pretty close to not knowing what time it is anymore. I wont re-cap the hospital moments really. That's been done. I'll come to more recent events.

We were at the OB last week, and she told me that I'm officially the most sick pregnant person they've ever had. I asked if there was a prize for that, but I didnt get a trophy on my way out. It was little consolation for how I was feeling, and how I'm still feeling. Now, I havent thrown up in a week, which is great. You would think that it would be so great, that I would be thrilled. However, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in that place where the nausea, even with the medication, is so bad, that at times, throwing up is a momentary relief. I'm having to drink 8-9 litres of water a day to keep hydrated. Any less, and our next appointment is always accompanied by the announcement of keytones in my urine. Unfortunately, that doesnt mean that you pee'd a tune when you donated to the sterile cup choir. It means that you're deydrated to the point where your blood, the blood that's circulating to and from your baby, is becoming acidic. No guilt there. So, sick or not, I'm pushing water like I'm trying to be a professional fire hydrant.

My hope. My prayer. My wish, for anyone reading our blog, who is now pregnant, is that NONE of you ever experience this. Today has been a hard emotional day for me. I feel like no matter what we've done, or what I do, the sickness returns. Eating is a horrible event and everything tastes like garbage. I was told that the villi in my digestive track are raw along with my intestinal lining. This makes digestion an agonizing process, but something I have to go through to heal. So, now that I've ranted, here's where I'm at today. I've never been sick much in my life. And never, ever, sick this long. I'm having a really hard time dealing with it emotionally. I'm an on-the-go person, and I've had to be in bed for almost three months now. I'm at home, barely able to leave the house. When I do go out, it wears me down. I always say that I feel like I ran a marathon. I'm sick of tv, books, the computer. I dont even like answering the phone right now, because I almost always have to run down to family or friends, what's gone on for the week and I just dont have the energy anymore.

I think that the frustration comes from doing everything you're supposed to do, but things dont change much. The emotional ups and downs, I think, are from isolation, boredom, unusual inactivity, etc, all rolled into what's becoming a mild depression. Not that crazy depression, but any depression for me, is unusual. I almost feel like I need to watch a movie that would allow me a good cry. You know, Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Finding Nemo. Even though I seem to tear up at everything including commercials right now, I mean a good hard cry. I dont know. Maybe I'll try it.

Now, you would think that at this point, the people who know us and are closest to us would know, that we've tried EVERYTHING, that there is out there for morning sickness. I mean, if you've been in the hospital a few times in three months, you're way beyond ginger and crackers. And yet, people who love me, are STILL asking, "Have you eaten a cracker?" Well SHIT, why didnt I think of THAT???? So, I'm reaching out to our blogging community. Does anyone have any ideas on how to beat the boredom, or get out of this depressing funk? I'm like a flower, I need sunlight to be happy, but I just cant stay out for long unfortunately. Thanks for reading this vent, and I hope that you're all doing great :)